Yousef Alaghehband
Full article in English · Original author text
Do we teach a child to take things more seriously by taking away privileges after a loss? A loss isn’t a moral offense; a technical problem needs teaching, and inappropriate behavior needs a clear boundary. I keep these two apart so the child can both take responsibility and talk honestly about their mistake. Next, we’ll look at practical alternatives to punishing results. As a coach with experience working in China, I see seriousness in clear expectations and precise feedback. An athlete should be responsible for what they can do, like following safety rules and taking part in practice. A bout’s result depends on other factors too, so I don’t tie teaching responsibility to punishment for results.
What do we mean by punishment?
This article is for parents and coaches in all three weapons. By punishment, I mean humiliation, threats, the silent treatment, unrelated privileges taken away, or forced training because of a loss. The point isn’t to remove responsibility. A child still needs to follow the rules, respect the opponent, and keep things safe; but losing a point isn’t the same as being disrespectful or throwing equipment.
Why doesn’t fear solve the technical problem?
Say a player gives up points because of a poor distance. Taking away fun doesn’t teach them to read distance. In the next competition they may attack less to avoid blame, or pin the mistake on the referee to escape the consequences. These outcomes aren’t certain or the same for everyone, but they should be considered when choosing a parenting approach. The American Academy of Pediatrics also recommends focusing on effort and learning instead of punishing a loss [1].
A phrase like “After all that money, you should have won” creates an emotional debt, while the child has no control over the opponent’s quality or all the factors in a competition. A parent’s responsibility is deciding about cost and the family schedule; the child’s responsibility is appropriate effort, keeping agreements, and taking part in learning. Let’s not mix these two responsibilities.
Teaching scenario: from fear of mistakes to the right decision
In épée, a teen, afraid of blame, steps back every time, even when the opponent has lost balance and there’s a prepared chance to attack. A parent calls this “cowardice.” The coach should first find out whether the player didn’t recognize the chance or is afraid of the consequences of a mistake. In the second case, practicing technique without changing the atmosphere of the relationship isn’t enough. I want the athlete to be able to say, “I tried this choice and it didn’t work,” and then look at why. Safety to talk about a mistake doesn’t mean approving every choice; it’s the condition for getting accurate information and fixing the skill. The article on reacting after a loss explains how to turn this information into practice.
Setting boundaries without punishing the result
If a player throws equipment, stop practice or the conversation to make sure everyone is safe. After they’ve calmed down, describe the specific behavior: “Throwing a mask is dangerous.” The consequence should be tied to the behavior, like making up for the damage within what’s fitting for their age and the rules, an apology, or practicing a safe way to step away from a situation. This is dealt with separately from winning and losing and shouldn’t involve public humiliation. If a parent shouted after a competition, repair is needed: take responsibility for your behavior and apologize without adding “but you also...” Then say what you’ll do differently next time; for example, you’ll put off the conversation until you’re calm. A child shouldn’t have to promise a medal to end a parent’s upset.
A family exercise: turn a punishing sentence into a teaching question
Write down three common sentences and rewrite them. “Why did you lose again?” becomes “Which situation was hard for you?” “I’m never taking you to a competition again” gives way to “Later, we’ll decide about the next plan with the coach.” “You have to practice more” becomes “What practice would solve this problem?” These are suggested sentences and should be said in the family’s natural language. The sign of success isn’t instant obedience or the crying stopping. See whether the child can talk honestly about their experience and pick one corrective step. If the conversation still ends in threats, bringing in a specialist or a child-protection contact may be needed. Don’t downplay violence or serious fear with simple communication advice.
Parenting boundaries don’t run through the scoreboard
Say two teens behave inappropriately in the same way; one has won and the other lost. If only the loser faces a consequence, the parenting message isn’t clear. The measure should be the behavior itself. Respect for the opponent, safety, and honesty matter equally in both results. I want the athlete to understand that responsibility is independent of winning; winning doesn’t license disrespect, and losing isn’t a crime.
This separation helps a parent be both kind and serious. You can accept the child’s upset and at the same time stop dangerous behavior. You don’t need to withdraw your interest and support to show firmness. When the consequence relates to a specific behavior, a child has a chance to understand and correct. When everything depends on the result, they may only learn to run from an adult’s reaction.
When we say “they didn’t try,” what exactly did we see?
The word “lazy” often stands in for several different observations. A player may have moved little, decided late, or gone quiet after falling behind. You can’t read their intention directly from these signs. First ask what happened and whether pain, tiredness, technical confusion, or worry played a part. Then work out with the coach which behavior was really within their control. If a teen agreed to get their gear ready and didn’t, you can practice responsibility for that task: they make a checklist, check it under supervision, and next time report on it themselves. But don’t put not preparing gear and losing into one package of punishment. Each problem needs its own way of being fixed. This precision teaches a child to see cause and effect, not to see themselves as a complete failure.
When is extra training educational?
An extra session makes sense when it has a clear goal, age-appropriate agreement, a suitable load, and a measure of progress. For example, the player and coach agree to spend a few minutes of the next session on keeping balance after an attack. That practice answers a technical need. In contrast, forced running so a player “doesn’t forget the taste of losing” teaches neither distance nor timing. Don’t use sport as a tool for causing suffering. An activity meant to be tied to growth and skill shouldn’t become the price of an adult’s anger. If a coach suggests a hard drill, they should explain the teaching reason and how it’s being adjusted. The teen should know why they’re doing it and what sign shows the practice was useful. Being hard isn’t proof of quality by itself.
If we’ve already reacted harshly, where do we start?
An effective apology is short and specific. Name your own behavior, take responsibility for it, and say what you’ll change next time. The child doesn’t have to forgive you right away or make you feel better. After the apology, give them a chance to say how they saw it. If they say they’re afraid of the next competition, don’t smother that information by defending your intentions. Repair isn’t finished with one sentence; different behavior has to be seen at the next event. Before the competition, remind them that the result won’t bring silent treatment or threats. If you feel your anger rising, step away from the technical discussion and carry on the child’s practical care as agreed. Stepping away to settle yourself is different from leaving or ignoring the child; they need to know the connection hasn’t been cut.
What does frank feedback without humiliation look like?
In an épée teaching scenario, a teen has started an attack from the wrong distance several times. Precise feedback is that in this situation, the starting distance didn’t allow them to arrive balanced. Then the coach asks the player to try again with a short preparation. A line like “How many times do I have to tell you?” has no new information and pulls attention toward a power dynamic. Being frank means not hiding the problem and making the way to fix it clear. If the decision was wrong, say so; if the execution was flawed, give them execution practice. Not every piece of feedback has to start with fake praise. Respect shows in word choice, timing, and a chance to respond. A player should be able to say they didn’t understand the explanation without that being seen as an excuse or rudeness.
Build a family agreement that can work
Before a competition, go over three short rules: basic needs and respect don’t depend on the result; dangerous behavior is stopped; technical analysis happens at an agreed time. Each rule should hold for a win too. If the child won but was disrespectful to an opponent, the same behavioral boundary stands. If they lost but behaved responsibly, there’s no need to add new upset to create seriousness. After the competition, ask about how well you kept the agreement yourselves, too. Could the child explain the mistake? Did the adults respect the time for conversation? Fix one thing for next time. The goal isn’t a family with no disagreements; it’s turning disagreement and disappointment into a chance to learn responsibility, without putting the safety of the relationship at the price of a competition result. The American Academy of Pediatrics’ advice on not punishing a loss supports teaching and skill growth [1]. The communication suggestions here need to become everyday behavior; repeating respectful words with a hidden threat doesn’t carry the intended message.
Frequently asked questions
Should we give a prize after a loss? No need to create a new reward for every result. The routine of affection, food, rest, and respect should be independent of winning and losing. What if the child really didn’t try? First ask about the cause: tiredness, fear, pain, or not knowing the task may look like slacking. Then agree on specific, controllable behavior. Is extra training always punishment? No; focused, fitting training can be useful. When it’s imposed to cause suffering or to make up for a loss, its function changes.
Wrap-up and next step
Now you can have both a behavioral boundary and a safe relationship. Before the next competition, agree that a loss isn’t punished and that inappropriate behavior has its own clear, related consequence. Start the first correcting step with a teaching question. This approach makes responsibility something that can be learned.
Sources and further reading
[1] AAP — Tips to Prevent Sports Injuries
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